pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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