so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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