my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
