since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
