I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
