i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
