Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
