butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Who put my cat in the fridge?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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