He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
