We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
