She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
