I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
