I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
