Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
