I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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