I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
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