My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
