i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
