A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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