i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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