But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
