she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
