take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
