Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
