I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
