I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
