Plan B is the new Plan A
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
