Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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