Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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