She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
