Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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