You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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