hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
