I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
