Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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