Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I'm determined to sit on that face.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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