She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
