The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I'm like, not good at living.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
