I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
