I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
