Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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