your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
just won 30 on black! Ok adicteddd! Never coming back gqmbeqing is easy.
now my debit card is betting 1k whoops. im gongk eh be rich!!!
whoops didnt work. think the gambeli mashine is busters!! now im betting 2k?! bad idea?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Randomize
