Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Randomize
