I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
