he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
