I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
