the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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