i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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