if i can run in heels then i can drive
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
