i just wanna soil my oats bro
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
